I first spotted the list of
Don'ts for Women Riders on the
Bicycling.com blog,
The Hub. The list was originally posted by
Lists of Note. Back in 1895 there was a big fuss about two women who showed up to a Unique Cycling Club of Chicago event wearing *gasp*
short skirts over their bloomers. Apparently one of the laws of the club was that you had to wear bloomers and knickerboxers.
The women were asked to remove their skirts and they refused. Some people "fell" on the skirt-wearers, and left them standing there in their bloomers. How emburrisin'!
An article about this incident was published in New York World, and below it was
this list (with my commentary added in pink):
DON'TS FOR WOMEN RIDERS
Don't be a fright.
Don't faint on the road.
So, don't forget your Gu Chomps?
Don't wear a man's cap.
Don't wear tight garters.
They would probably faint on the road if they saw today's cycling apparel.
Don't forget your toolbag.
This is probably the only good advice.
Don't attempt a "
century."
Don't coast. It is dangerous.
What!?
Don't boast of your long rides.
So much for Daily Mile.
Don't criticize people's "legs."
I'm curious why "legs" is in quotations...
Don't wear loud hued leggings.
Like these?
Don't cultivate a "bicycle face."
Second image that came up when I did a Google search for "bicycle face" (source)
Don't refuse assistance up a hill.
Don't wear clothes that don't fit.
Wouldn't want your bloomers to fall off!
Don't neglect a "light's out" cry.
Don't wear jewelry while on a tour.
Don't race. Leave that to the scorchers.
I'm going to assume we don't want to be a "scorcher".
Don't wear laced boots. They are tiresome.
Aren't they still?
Don't imagine everybody is looking at you.
Wait, What!? They're not?
Don't go to church in your bicycle costume.
Who would go to church dressed like a bicycle?
Don't wear a garden party hat with bloomers.
They would totally clash.
Don't contest the right of way with cable cars.
This is the second best advice.
Don't chew gum. Exercise your jaws in private.
I'll take Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't for 200, please.
Don't wear white kid gloves. Silk is the thing.
Don't ask, "What do you think of my bloomers?"
The first rule of bloomers: you don't talk about bloomers.
Don't use bicycle slang. Leave that to the boys.
Here's a whole dictionary of bicycle slang, in case you need to brush up on your terminology.
Don't go out after dark without a male escort.
Obviously they had a different definition of male escort back then.
Don't go without a needle, thread and thimble.
You can never be too prepared.
Don't try to have every article of your attire "match."
Don't let your golden hair be hanging down your back.
Don't allow dear little Fido to accompany you.
What about a cat?
Don't scratch a match on the seat of your bloomers.
Don't discuss bloomers with every man you know.
Except for male escorts.
Don't appear in public until you have learned to ride well.
These Olympic women obviously have some more learning to do.
Don't overdo things. Let cycling be a recreation, not a labor.
Wouldn't want to break a sweat!
Don't ignore the laws of the road because you are a woman.
Don't try to ride in your brother's clothes "to see how it feels."
NO PANTS ALLOWED.
Don't scream if you meet a cow. If she sees you first, she will run.
Don't cultivate everything that is up to date because you ride a wheel.
Don't emulate your brother's attitude if he rides parallel with the ground.
I think they meant leaning into a turn, but this is what I think of when I hear "riding parallel with the ground":
riding parallel to the ground = never good. (source)
Don't undertake a long ride if you are not confident of performing it easily.
Don't appear to be up on "records" and "record smashing." That is sporty. Call me sporty.